I hurt.
It began in 2016 when the country of my birth voted on a factless campaign and by the narrowest of margins chose to leave the EU. It wasn't their fault that there were no facts available for their campaign, this has never happened before, no-one had ever been daft enough to even consider this before, so there was no experience with which to persuade anyone.
So they lied.
They made up facts which they wanted to be true. They concocted persuasive arguments that spoke to the fear they simultaneously whipped up with tales of "immigrant issues" (whatever they are). At the time there was a Europe-wide immigration crisis with an influx of refugees across the Mediterranean from north Africa. They knew how to use this, it had been done before.
It began in 2016 when the country of my birth voted on a factless campaign and by the narrowest of margins chose to leave the EU. It wasn't their fault that there were no facts available for their campaign, this has never happened before, no-one had ever been daft enough to even consider this before, so there was no experience with which to persuade anyone.
So they lied.
They made up facts which they wanted to be true. They concocted persuasive arguments that spoke to the fear they simultaneously whipped up with tales of "immigrant issues" (whatever they are). At the time there was a Europe-wide immigration crisis with an influx of refugees across the Mediterranean from north Africa. They knew how to use this, it had been done before.
I voted.
I was one of the lucky ones. As I left UK less than 15 years ago, I had a vote. Unlike many of my fellow Brits in EU, I had a say in my and my family's future. In the previous general election campaign the ruling party in the UK had promised lifelong votes for British citizens who lived outside the UK alongside their promise to investigate UK leaving the EU, but these rights have never been granted and consequently literally millions of Brits had (and continue to have) no say in their future. Not all of them live in the EU but for those who do, this is particularly painful.
My vote in the UK is in the constituency where I last lived. It's a constituency where I have no family, few friends and certainly no economic links. It is considered a safe seat for a party I rarely agree with and so for party-political votes, I feel disconnected. Believe it or not, the decision to leave the EU was not a party-political vote. It was an advisory single issue referendum. Of course, the media have particularly enjoyed and benefited from dividing the parties and the issues and playing a very divisive game. The parties have stumbled into their roles. In my humble opinion the whole process from start to finish should have been dealt with by a cross party, or even civil service, group of experts and NOT serving politicians.
My vote in the UK is in the constituency where I last lived. It's a constituency where I have no family, few friends and certainly no economic links. It is considered a safe seat for a party I rarely agree with and so for party-political votes, I feel disconnected. Believe it or not, the decision to leave the EU was not a party-political vote. It was an advisory single issue referendum. Of course, the media have particularly enjoyed and benefited from dividing the parties and the issues and playing a very divisive game. The parties have stumbled into their roles. In my humble opinion the whole process from start to finish should have been dealt with by a cross party, or even civil service, group of experts and NOT serving politicians.
I live in the EU.
I grew up knowing Britain was part of something bigger. For earlier generations it was The Empire, then The Commonwealth. Two wars changed the face of The Empire and of Europe and inspired an era of peace. Of course Britain was no longer at the head of this international movement but was integral in its creation. I have been aware of EU, EC & EEC for most of my life. In the early 1990s, in the run up to the Maastricht Treaty, was when I first engaged with the idea of a wider culture. Wider than just the town, city, county, country where I grew up. As I went to boarding school, I had already had my horizons widened a little. As a teenager, not all my friends were my neighbours; in the school holidays I travelled down to Cornwall and Somerset to see them but even then "North of Watford" was another place. I had been to the Edinburgh Festival as a member of the National Youth Music Theatre and camping in North Wales with the St John's Ambulance Brigade. I had even been ski-ing in Italy with my junior school. But this Union of European countries, this collection of cultures grasped my imagination and pulled me in.
I was working with an Arts Consultant who was writing her masters thesis on European Cultural Festivals and I loved to hear and read about her travels and adventures. When I applied to go to university, I included European Studies as a minor subject. As it happened, this clashed on the timetable with my main subject as so I downgraded to French language instead. In retrospect, I should have fought harder for that one!
As soon as the opportunity arose for a European study exchange, with ERASMUS, I leapt at the chance. I had a choice; four months in Amsterdam or Turku. Amsterdam is on the doorstep, I can go there anytime, I figured, I'll go to Turku instead. I've never heard of Turku and I know nothing about Finland, it'll be an adventure! And so I went to study Cultural management in Turku, a historical city in the South West corner of the Finland.
I have never been to Amsterdam.
If you know me, or if you've read anything else on my blog, then you know the end of this chapter. Turku is where I met my husband, where we moved back to when we left UK and where my son was born, with automatic dual citizenship.
In the eleven years my partner & I lived in UK, we NEVER considered that he should apply for British Citizenship, why would we? We are both EU citizens, living in the EU, with all the benefits that entails. We could travel back and forth to visit friends and family, I studied in both countries, he studied in UK with funding from Finland, we both claimed benefits and worked at various times, we started our own business with no barriers. We married at the local church and our daughter was born in UK, with automatic dual-citizenship. Why on earth would he need to apply for British citizenship? We were, and remain, citizens of the EU.
So, now we have been living in Finland for eleven years. I remain a British Citizen but I have Finnish residence. I qualify and plan to apply for Finnish Citizenship and therefore dual citizenship. I'm not sure why I haven't yet. That's something to explore.
I feel alone.
On the night following the referendum, I sat up all night, following the results on the BBC online. I shared each result on Facebook as it came in and various friends sent encouraging messages throughout the night. Just before 7am Finnish time, the bottom fell out of my world. Even the TV presenter could not believe that he was announcing that the Leave campaign had achieved enough votes to win. No-one expected it. No-one was ready for it. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. I was exhausted and stunned. I went straight to bed and stayed there for several days.
Over two years later, I have still not recovered from that slap in the face. Every mention of Brexit sends a chill through me; no-one I speak to understands how I feel; no-one knows what happening - it's not ignorance, there are no facts to know! Negotiations between the British Prime Minister and the EU are ongoing. We are receiving emails by the truckload - regularly 30 in one day - ALL about what will happen in case of "no deal" being reached. I wish as much effort were being put into reaching a deal!
I am pretty sure I am suffering undiagnosed depression and anxiety. I understand the symptoms. I don't want to be labelled so I do not need to give a name to my sufferings. I do so here because I want to be honest and open about the extent of my reaction to this situation.
I am not alone.
Last week I chatted with someone who seemed to understand. A Brit, married to a Finn, with a 6yo child. They have lived in UK and in Finland. Just like us! He described his feelings like a rug being pulled from under him. We shared our feelings, our opinions, our hopes and our fears and we hugged. Each of us finally felt like we met someone who actually got it, actually understood how this gut-wrenching hopelessness really affects us.
Now I am stronger.
Since that conversation, which left me buzzing, I have found a nugget of hope. In fact nothing has changed, we are still in an unknown situation, facing an uncertain future, but we are not facing it alone. I now know there are others "out there" who also hurt.
This is why I am writing this now.
I have found the strength to face my fears, to stop hiding from the unknown and start facing it, even fighting it. I am only one voice in millions but that is no reason to be silent.
There's more to say.
So much more... about my friends and family; about immigration law, citizenship and the rights of British citizens living in the EU27; about the real reasons why this whole thing happened in the first place; about the wider current issues in worldwide politics; about the rights and responsibilities of all British and EU citizens and so much more.
If only we knew what the future holds.
That is the worst thing about all this.
NO-ONE KNOWS!
I feel alone.
On the night following the referendum, I sat up all night, following the results on the BBC online. I shared each result on Facebook as it came in and various friends sent encouraging messages throughout the night. Just before 7am Finnish time, the bottom fell out of my world. Even the TV presenter could not believe that he was announcing that the Leave campaign had achieved enough votes to win. No-one expected it. No-one was ready for it. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. I was exhausted and stunned. I went straight to bed and stayed there for several days.
Over two years later, I have still not recovered from that slap in the face. Every mention of Brexit sends a chill through me; no-one I speak to understands how I feel; no-one knows what happening - it's not ignorance, there are no facts to know! Negotiations between the British Prime Minister and the EU are ongoing. We are receiving emails by the truckload - regularly 30 in one day - ALL about what will happen in case of "no deal" being reached. I wish as much effort were being put into reaching a deal!
I am pretty sure I am suffering undiagnosed depression and anxiety. I understand the symptoms. I don't want to be labelled so I do not need to give a name to my sufferings. I do so here because I want to be honest and open about the extent of my reaction to this situation.
I am not alone.
Last week I chatted with someone who seemed to understand. A Brit, married to a Finn, with a 6yo child. They have lived in UK and in Finland. Just like us! He described his feelings like a rug being pulled from under him. We shared our feelings, our opinions, our hopes and our fears and we hugged. Each of us finally felt like we met someone who actually got it, actually understood how this gut-wrenching hopelessness really affects us.
Now I am stronger.
Since that conversation, which left me buzzing, I have found a nugget of hope. In fact nothing has changed, we are still in an unknown situation, facing an uncertain future, but we are not facing it alone. I now know there are others "out there" who also hurt.
This is why I am writing this now.
I have found the strength to face my fears, to stop hiding from the unknown and start facing it, even fighting it. I am only one voice in millions but that is no reason to be silent.
There's more to say.
So much more... about my friends and family; about immigration law, citizenship and the rights of British citizens living in the EU27; about the real reasons why this whole thing happened in the first place; about the wider current issues in worldwide politics; about the rights and responsibilities of all British and EU citizens and so much more.
If only we knew what the future holds.
That is the worst thing about all this.
NO-ONE KNOWS!
